Spooneye! The Card Game

More Frequently Asked Questions

eg: So, Mr. Gould, we meet again. How are you today?
EG: Oh, just fine. Loved you in The Long Goodbye, by the way.

eg: Um, yes. My first question refers to this hopelessly muddled rule about moving cards. Is there any instance in which I might be allowed to, for strategic purposes, move a card on my opponent's side?
EG: For heaven's sake, Mr. Gould! Surely you could have come up with a less insipid initial question than that! Such a thing is clearly stated as utterly impossible in the rules, and I judge you a fool for even asking it.

eg: Ah, but what if one plays one's own card on the opponent's side? Surely, then one must...
EG: Listen, Mr. Gould, for I'll say this once and once only. When one plays a card on the opponent side, as soon as that card is placed down and any additional effects have taken place, it is no longer your card, it is your opponent's. This is why a player does not raise their opponent's masts for them, and why one cannot move cards on one's opponent's side.

eg: I see. But permit me to do you the indiscretion of asking again about...
EG: Could you stick to the point? Please?

eg: Fine. If one plays a 4, are you then allowed to move a card, or must you instead play another card from your hand?
EG: The latter. A 4 does not give a player an extra turn; it specifically forces them to play another card.

eg: Yes, very good. Another silly question, I'm afraid, but is there any way for a player to do nothing; that is, neither to draw a card and play a card, nor to move a card? For instance, let us say that a player only has one mast, consisting of two cards. Could they, in a sense, "attempt" to move a card and fail, thereby causing them to take no action that turn at all?
EG: Oho, Mr. Gould, now you're getting a bit more clever. But no, there is no way to do the thing you describe. Every turn, each player must either draw and play a card, or truly move one of the cards already on their side of the table.

eg: What if the deck is exhausted and no more cards can be drawn?
EG: Then, my friend, you must simply play cards until you run out.

eg: Let us move on to these awkward new scoring rules, especially that of "swabbing the deck."
EG: It would be my pleasure.

eg: Two theoretical examples for you to consider, Mr. Gould. Firstly, let us say that one has two masts - one comprised of the 6 of Diamonds and the Queen of Clubs, the other merely comprised of the 8 of Spades - on one's side, and there are no masts on the opponent's side. And you hold a 5 in your hand.
EG: I think I see where you are headed with this...

eg: Well, I know that there is no way for one to capture masts on your own side. But is there any way, in this case, for the player to swab the deck?
EG: Unfortunately for the player, no. But before you protest, Mr. Gould, view the situation from the other side. If your opponent were to have a mast totaling 16 on his side and you had nothing, then it would truly be a marvelous strategy for you to start a new mast on your opponent's side with the 8 of Spades, as that could not be moved onto their existing mast and would prevent them from swabbing the deck. At least, immediately. Now, you mentioned that you have another example?

eg: In fact I do. Let us say that you have two masts on your own side, one comprised of the 10 of Spades and the 7 of Spades, the other of the 10 of Clubs and the 3 of Diamonds. Your opponent also has two columns, the contents of which are superfluous to this discussion. Now, if one plays the 4 of Spades on the first mast, and then immediately plays the 8 of Clubs on the latter mast, what happens?
EG: A complicated question indeed. Now, since the first capture occurs before the second card is played, there is no swab of the deck at that time, and so, while the ten-seven-four mast does go face up, as the player did hoist the colors, whatever mast they capture at that time will go face-down. Then the second card is played, the second mast is raised, and in that case, the deck is indeed swabbed, and both masts are placed in the booty pile face-up.

eg: That's very interesting. I like your stories. Now, Mr. Gould, not to veer off topic, but...
EG: You're going to veer off topic.

eg: Exactly. Now, in the movie Kicking and Screaming, in which you are quite riveting as the lead character's father, there is a reference at the beginning of the film to the movie Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice, which you starred in, except the character refers to it as Monkeys, Monkeys, Ted and Alice. Is this a sly reference to your legendary hirsuteness?
EG: Good God, Mr. Gould! Is this your idea of a pertinent line of questioning?!? If so, I might as well simply stand up and leave right now.

eg: No, please, calm yourself. I meant no offense. Let us turn our attention back to this marvelous if rather unnecessarily Byzantine game that you've invented.
EG: Yes. Let's do that.

eg: Let us speak of the larder. I suppose the most obvious question is, can the larder, if one is sufficiently unlucky or perhaps simply a wretched player, total a negative number?
EG: Of course it can, Mr. Gould. What do you think this is, some sort of children's game, where nothing untoward ever occurs and at the end everyone gets a lollipop and a pat on the head? Life is hard, Mr. Gould, and if you do not wish to put this rule into practice, then simply stop capturing so many clubs.

eg: Well, Mr. Gould, I fear it is time to stop throwing you these softballs and to start asking the difficult questions. Once a highly respected and perhaps even world-renowned actor, you career has since declined precipitously, to the point that in recent years you have been reduced to character parts in such reprehensible Cinemax twaddle as Night Visitor...
EG: Do you have a question, Mr. Gould?!?

eg: Yes. What was it like working with Shannon Tweed?
EG: I don't know. Was that Shannon Tweed? Christ, it may as well have been. Do you know what kind of residuals you get off of pay-cable? I can barely afford to store my motorcycles.

eg: Speaking of motorcycles and residuals, Mr. Gould, in the mid-80s you were the star of an extremely short-lived hospital sitcom called "ER." Do you get any money from the hit show of the same name on the air today?
EG: It's still working its way through the courts as we speak. Although I and all the other fine actors on the original show certainly deserve a portion of the profits that have been made off this rip-off - a show, mind you, that not only ripped off our name and stole George Clooney, but also our entire concept of setting a television show in a...hospital setting - the outcome of the case is still not certain.

eg: Why is that, Mr. Gould?
EG: They might have us on a technicality, which is that, in the commercials, they pronounce their new show "Ee - Arr," while in our commercials, the announce simply pronounced the title "Er."

eg: "Er"?
EG: Well, of course, we eventually realized our blunder but that was three, maybe even four weeks after the commercials had been recorded, and by then we'd been canceled.You see, back then, it wasn't about medical consultants and authenticity experts and all of that. It was about the jokes.